Being sexually attracted to the same sex is one of the most difficult struggles a person can experience. But don’t allow the presence of same-sex attractions mislead you into thinking that you are “gay.” Same-sex attractions are a sign of a deep hunger and a profound confusion within you.
While biological predispositions may contribute to any unwanted struggle, same-sex attractions are probably not something you were born with nor did you choose to have them. There are other reasons you are sexually attracted to men. It is more likely that you are confused by significant relationships and events in your life (some of which you may not even be aware of) that have caused you to have sexual attractions for men.
We know from listening to countless stories that same-sex attractions are largely the result of an unmet hunger (perceived or real) for love, connection, and identification with the same sex, particularly with one’s father or a close father figure. This hunger often becomes linked with sexual attraction around puberty. In many cases, incidents of sexual abuse by an older male or sexual experimentation with a same-sex peer were part of a context that reinforces the link between sex and the hunger for male love and acceptance. These experiences can mislead young boys into thinking that the only way to get the male love and acceptance they’re desiring is through a sexual relationship.
Having same-sex attractions does not mean you’re “gay.” Rather, their presence signals a strong yet hidden hunger for acceptance and love from men that has probably not been met outside of the context of some sort of sexual interaction. And therein lies the confusion and misunderstanding that has deceived and misled so many. But understanding how same-sex attractions developed begins to clear up the confusion and straighten out the misunderstanding.
You can start to piece together how your same-sex attractions took root in your heart by admitting how much you’ve longed for male acceptance. With the help of an insightful counselor, you can begin thinking through the confusing messages that sexual abuse and/or peer sexual experimentation may have left you struggling to make sense of. You may still find yourself physically attracted to men at times, but you can grow to be less and less controlled by same-sex attractions because you understand it as something based on earlier emotional confusion.