Can a Wife Be the Abusive One in a Marriage?

Much has been written in recent decades about husbands abusing their wives, as it should. In more cases than we care to admit, husbands from a variety of backgrounds are physically and emotionally battering their wives with their fists and their words. This is a serious problem no one should take lightly (SEE When Violence Comes Home.).

Abuse in marriage, whatever form it takes, is ultimately about a pattern of exerting power and control over one one’s own way. When a marriage is marked by a one-sided pattern of control, the abusive spouse is not always the husband. Sometimes the abusive spouse is the wife.

While most wives are not able to control their husbands through physical threats and violence, some dominate their husbands through their words, looks, and other threatening actions. Similar to an abusive husband, an abusive wife may boss her husband around, talk down to him, call him humiliating names, and treat him in a very emasculating way. Generally speaking, her style of communication doesn’t invite open and free conversation. It tends to be intimidating or manipulative and is intended to shut her husband down. Whether it’s through a dirty look or a lecture, the point is unmistakable: He’s not there to think or share an opinion. He’s there to do not only what she tells him to do, but also how and when she wants it done.

Just as abusive men demand sexual intimacy without regard for their wives’ needs, abusive women can withhold affection or intimacy as a way of controlling their husbands. An abusive wife may also exert control by imposing arbitrary or erratic expectations. For instance, she may badger her husband to do something, but then get upset with him for doing it because he not’s doing something else for her instead. Imposing and then randomly shifting her demands keeps him off-balance. It leaves him second-guessing himself and her feeling superior. Other abusive women constantly harass their husbands for their recreational interests and even their deeper aspirations for life. If what he enjoys and feels passionate about doesn’t fit into what she deems important, she may ridicule him or look for reasons for him not to do it. If that doesn’t work, she can always find some way to make him feel guilty.

The bottom line is this: most things in the marital relationship have to be her way. She demands that her husband revolve most, if not all, of what he does completely around what is important to her, even though her demands are often unreasonable, inconsiderate, and constantly shifting. And when it doesn’t go her way, she feels “free” to let her husband know it. Whether she relentlessly grumbles and criticizes, threatens to leave, or turns cold and withholds attention and affection, the clear message to her husband is “things had better go my way or else.” It’s a message meant to intimidate her husband and wear him down to the point where he feels it’s not worth doing anything that would risk upsetting her again.

Of course, every marriage experiences painful moments of unreasonableness and control from both partners. But when those moments become the norm rather than the exception, it becomes abusive and denies a spouse the freedom to be who he or she is both within and outside of the marital relationship. Not unlike an abused wife, an abused husband feels coerced into being who his wife thinks he should be. Perhaps this is why the Bible doesn’t pull any punches when it states that “a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day” (Proverbs 27:15) and that it is “better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife” (Proverbs 21:19).

Any marital relationship that is characterized by such patterns of control is not really a relationship. It is more like a dictatorship, where one partner rules over the other. Unfortunately, because of their own insecurities, most husbands in this situation let themselves get walked on and are afraid to stand up to the patterns of control with courage and love. Others try to ignore the way they are mistreated, only to blow up and turn mean or abusive. Neither is a godly response and is nearly always a sign of a man who has lost his heart.

To read some general ideas about a better way that doesn’t take the abuse lightly yet still offers the opportunity for forgiveness, healing, and restoration both in the marriage and in each spouse’s heart, read When Words Hurt .

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9 thoughts on “Can a Wife Be the Abusive One in a Marriage?

  1. Thank you. This is one the best articles I’ve read on the subject. I can relate so much it makes me feel ill. So sad, but so true.

    I’ve been seriously contemplating leaving my spouse after ~ 10 years of marriage and 1 child together. I’m feeling hopeless and trapped. Anything I do to defend or protect myself is turned in to me being the “bad guy” in everyone else’s (family, church leaders, etc.) eyes while I’ve been the one suffering all along. I’m desperate, isolated and depressed.

    Thank you for these encouraging words. At least I know I’m not alone.

  2. I concur with the first guy’s comments. I have been married for about 4 years , now with a baby I want dearly to break a cycle of single parenting homes. But, I feel desperate, isolated, and depressed so much so I have been putting on the pounds with food as a way to cope. I have been suffering too long… Not, only from how I was raised but now from the one person I had hoped to grow old with.

  3. Wow, glenstewart, expressed those words so well. Nothing more paralysing or hopeless that the thought of no matter which way you express or explain yourself or the situation the hole just gets deeper and you get further verbally abused and told that you don’t listen, called an arse, and blamed for the smallest to the biggest things that I usually have no knowledge of. No point in arguing there is only one viewpoint. All that follows is emotional blame and name calling – just gets me down and feeling depressed and watching my two lovely children being bullied into action against a very loving caring dad makes me shed tears. It is so life-saving to hear that I am not the only one feeling such lack of hope despite wanting to offer so much as my family is so dear to me. Thanks guys. What will be next…….

  4. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I thought I was alone trying to live with an abusive spouse. It’s getting harder and harder to live like this and I suppose if I can’t somehow express to my wife that we need to get some help, I’ll leave. It’s hard being a senior and have to pull up stakes and lose half of everything I care for, including my wife whom I do love but it’s becoming more intolerable by the day. I feel sorriest for my wife as if she is really a good women. I do know she had some dark times when she was a young girl and maybe that could be where all this comes from.

  5. I am so heartbroken over this whole thing. My wife and I have a 3 year old girl who means the whole world to me. I am lost and trapped…I don’t want to leave because I won’t be able to see my daughter every day….but I can not live like this anymore. My wife has her entire family believing that I am a monster and I have done so much to try to deal with her hateful words….her anger is out of control….when I suggest that we need to deal with it she becomes more hateful towards me. I don’t know where to turn…We were seeing a marriage counselor but are not now because my wife told her off….My family does not live in the area so I do not really have much support….I fell alone….the person I love so much is against me ….she hates me I know she does ….I am ranting I know but things are really bad……….

  6. This article was very well done thank you. Its nice to know I wasn’t the only one suffering. I have recently divorced my ex wife and this described my “marriage” to a T. The bossing around..the controlling..i was to the point I felt like a robot just breathing and wasting space on this earth, I was always put down with her telling me I was worthless, that I could never do anything right, the days she would get super angry, I never fought back and I was always quiet, one night got so bad when she kept constantly getting drunk she kept kicking me and throwing punches, I just took them, but me and her son from another marriage to tie her to a chair until she was sober (she was beating on him as well). Even had a knife pulled on me..i won’t go into much detail, but she had force me.l to have sex with her unwillingly otherwise she would “make my life a living hell” as a man, it seems strange to be forced into doing things like this, and I know there’s no way I could ever charge her with anything, she’s so manipulative she could easily weasel her way out of anything. I’m out now, yeah I still have to pay her alimony even though I went through this hell, but let me tell you…it is the BEST feeling ever, I.have my life back, I can do the things I want to do with no questions asked, its hard at first because its something I wasn’t used to…making my own decisions for once, Even nights where I broke down crying because I had no idea what to do with my life. If anyone is. through what I went through, my situation is the other end of the tunnel is sooo…so much better. I could go on, this was.only a fraction of the things i went through as well, but my point.is, the longer you hang on the harder the recovery is afterwards. I was married for 5 years

  7. This is a great article. As a women and one who suffered from seeing her father abuse her mother for over 14years. It was very difficult for me to enter my marriage with a fully trusting heart. This got to the point where I tested my husband to see how far he would or could go. I wanted to see if I would get what my mum did for voicing her opinion regardless. I regret not putting my 100% into the relationship straight from the beginning because I feel I have hurt my husband and not achieved anything that I didn’t know (that he would never intentionally hurt me ever). I never explicitly abused him but I definitely was not the person I knew I could be and to me that is a kind of abuse. Thanks again for opening my eyes. I hope I can keep my marriage honest by being me and letting him be himself.

  8. This is so true! ! ! I can relate to many of the comments listed here. When men feel threatened we go into fight or flight mode. Since it is nearly impossible to fight against an abusive wife, we withdraw to avoid the unwinnable conflict. The end result is that we get emasculated, depressed and lose the will to excel.

    The sad thing is that our culture and the church don’t even recognize that it is a problem. Relationship problems almost always get blamed on the husband. If we go to counseling, we go in being viewed as the problem. In my church, our Pastor frequently exhorts the men to be better husbands but rarely exhorts the women to be submissive, cooperative wives.

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